Friday, July 22, 2011

People I've met in Toronto - Dan and B. Part. 1

A rooftop in Toronto on a balmy Saturday night, swigging out of a bottle of white wine because we don't have cups. One way to make sure this weekend will:

a) Be devoid of all class and tact
b) Be hard to remember
c) Possibly end in disaster?

Let's find out...

It's the Z-bomb, and myself, chasing some fun in our new town. After meeting some lively characters on a rooftop we decide to head West down Queen Street because they had been partying for something like 40 straight hours, and let's just say we didn't have it in us to sit there while some dude turned up the radio and asked us with the most serious of faces - 'don't you just love this song?'

The answer in my head was NO WAY DUDE, it was the most convoluted mash of middle-of-the-road rock music i had ever heard. Swig, swig, swig, 'let's get out of here Z-bomb!'

Down the street we head, off to our favourite haunt, sink a few beers, and then come back home for a dubstep marathon and some streetball in the park at 5am. We crash out.

So who's Dan and B?
Is this story going anywhere?
Are you high?

Wait.
Yes.
No....why you got something?

Well sir, fast forward about 9 hours, and me and the Z-bomb decide the only way to tackle a Sunday is to head down to the park and chill with some beers and our friend's cute dog, Ziggy (babe magnet extraordinaire). On the approach to the park we pass a vintage clothing stall run by a girl called B. She's really super friendly, not to mention, very easy on the eye. Me and the Z-bomb chat to her and her friend for about 10mins. We discuss Australians, like B's friend James who is also from Melbourne, and the local nightlife in Toronto. It appears there's much more to talk about so we let them know we will come back later on once they are finished at 6pm. It's a date.

We throw a frisbee round with Ziggy who's loving the attention, except until she sees a squirrel and she tries to climb a tree which is hilarious. It's mucho fun until she eats the frisbee and it's game over, much to the amusement of nearby park people. Oh well, time to sit and have some beers. Chillaxing for a moment, i am approached by a hobo called DAN. He's not crazy hobo either, yeah he's missing a few teeth, but he tries his best to look nice. Dan asks if he can borrow a lighter, which i oblige, and he then asks if i mind if he sits down. Not at all, join us.

Dan sees the beers, and asks very nicely if he can have one. Now if he was crazy hobo at this time my answer would have been no, because i don't want to get shivved after two weeks in Toronto, but he's full of manners, so it's no problems. 'Thanks brother, that's very kind of you'.

Dan's uneducated, 60years old, with whispy white stubble on his face. His boots have paint on them because he'll get work wherever he can. Times are tough at the moment, that's why he came down to the park - to forget about it for a while and soak up some sun.

Before i know it, Dan's giving me the lowdown on his life, without being pushy or arrogant, he asks just as many questions of me. We discuss life in Winter in Toronto (fkn cold), and going to downtown Detroit (fkn dangerous). I share some smokes with him, and he keeps saying thank you and cheering me with his beer. I like this guy, his wife had died a few years earlier and i get the impression he hasn't sat and chatted with someone for a while, I'm glad it's me.

Time's flying by, and i realise it's after 6pm. I look over to where the vintage clothing stall is...i mean was. It's gone. Oh no, I've been so distracted by Dan the friendly hobo that I've forgotten to go back and see B. I tell Dan it's been a pleasure, and wish him all the best as i grab my stuff and head over to where the stall was. Gone. Nowhere to be seen. A girl on a nearby bench says we missed B by about 5 mins. I run down to Queen Street, can't see her. Dammit!

It's all over now...OR IS IT?

To Be Continued....




Thursday, July 14, 2011

People I've met in Toronto - Zach and Fernando

Some people may have been offended by my last post. And i agree, it could be seen as a slur on the good people of the Ukraine, and for that i apologise. In that regard, i would like to publish a list of ALL the countries in which i have had problems with. After all it's definitely not fair to pick on just one, as we all know... f*ckin c*nts can can from anywhere. With no further adieu, i give you a list of countries (and their people) who have given me the shits over the last 28 years...

Afghanistan Albania Algeria Andorra Angola Antigua & Deps Argentina Armenia Australia Austria Azerbaijan Bahamas Bahrain Bangladesh Barbados Belarus Belgium Belize Benin Bhutan Bolivia Bosnia Herzegovina Botswana Brazil Brunei Bulgaria Burkina Burundi Cambodia Cameroon Canada Cape Verde Central African Rep Chad Chile China Colombia Comoros Congo Congo {Democratic Rep} Costa Rica Croatia Cuba Cyprus Czech Republic Denmark Djibouti Dominica Dominican Republic East Timor Ecuador Egypt El Salvador Equatorial Guinea Eritrea Estonia Ethiopia Fiji Finland France Gabon Gambia Georgia Germany Ghana Greece Grenada Guatemala Guinea Guinea-Bissau Guyana Haiti Honduras Hungary Iceland India Indonesia Iran Iraq Ireland {Republic} Israel Italy Ivory Coast Jamaica Japan Jordan Kazakhstan Kenya Kiribati Korea North Korea South Kosovo Kuwait Kyrgyzstan Laos Latvia Lebanon Lesotho Liberia Libya Liechtenstein Lithuania Luxembourg Macedonia Madagascar Malawi Malaysia Maldives Mali Malta Marshall Islands Mauritania Mauritius Mexico Micronesia Moldova Monaco Mongolia Montenegro Morocco Mozambique Myanmar, {Burma} Namibia Nauru Nepal Netherlands New Zealand Nicaragua Niger Nigeria Norway Oman Pakistan Palau Panama Papua New Guinea Paraguay Peru Philippines Poland Portugal Qatar Romania Russian Federation Rwanda St Kitts & Nevis St Lucia Saint Vincent & the Grenadines Samoa San Marino Sao Tome & Principe Saudi Arabia Senegal Serbia Seychelles Sierra Leone Singapore Slovakia Slovenia Solomon Islands Somalia South Africa Spain Sri Lanka Sudan Suriname Swaziland Sweden Switzerland Syria Taiwan Tajikistan Tanzania Thailand Togo Tonga Trinidad & Tobago Tunisia Turkey Turkmenistan Tuvalu Uganda Ukraine United Arab Emirates United Kingdom United States Uruguay Uzbekistan Vanuatu Vatican City Venezuela Vietnam Yemen Zambia Zimbabwe 
Their names are Zach (19) and Fernando (36) a couple of musos who are chasing someone to take charge of Fernando's vocals and be the frontman of their electronica band (think Presets but let's not get our hopes up).

Enter El Devine from stage left swigging an 'Old Milwaukee' and talking more Aussie than Ernie Dingo riding a kangaroo on his birthday bender.

After a get-to-know-you beer which i supplied via my backpack (I'd brought an icepack as well - who turns up with warm beers?) we has a chinwag and i realised these cats were down like James Brown in wife beating town. Fernando was actually Zach's Spanish teacher a few years back. When Zach decided to skip Level 1 Spanish because he already had a good grasp of French, he enlisted Fernando to help him pass the Level 2 exam with only 3 days notice. He got 75%, both a credit to Zach's go-get-em attitude and Fernando's (Mexicano Extraordinario) skills to pay the bills.

Fast forward a few years and now these cats are jamming and that's where i come in. I've re-written some of Fernando's lyrics to his song which he sent me earlier, and to my surprise, he dug it like he was looking for Stuart Diver.

Fernando's last album with his Mexican band was produced by someone from Pink Floyd.
What the fuck am i doing here?

Our next jam is on Monday, and as i told them before i left...
'There'd be no point doing this if we can't get along as mates"
The good news is, we get along and laughed and joked our way through a 3 hour session, and as an extra bonus... i really dig their tunes.

Stay tuned!

4 Stars*

*Rating will increase if they dig my new songs on Monday




People I've met in Toronto - Adelina

Sometimes you get a vibe from people you can't shake. Why?
Because you shouldn't shake it, it's your primeval instincts flaring up to protect your sorry ass (yes, i say ass now because I'm in Canada - and it's so much easier to write).

Her name is Adelina, and she's a motherfuckin' bitch.

So she tells me to come in to the restaurant because I've got my first busboy job. I'm pretty over qualified but i go out and buy $85 worth of clothes to look the part. I turn up on time and get straight to work and all of a sudden i realise I'm doing basically the same job as a server (who gets paid more, and works less).

I am the bitch. But you know what, i don't mind at all. I'm working, money's coming in and not haemorrhaging from my wallet like it has for the last 3 months, like usual, i just get the job done.

The customers ask me 'where in England are you from?' Don't insult me you Paki bastards!!!
Haha, just kidding, they were lovely. We all joked and laughed and i had them onside more than the server. We bonded. It was magical.

At the end of the shift, i get handed $20 for my 'tipout'.
Hmmm.... $20 for 6 hours work. No break. No food. One Coke.

I'm hoping there's going to be a cheque coming along with this as well?
Short answer - no there isn't.
Here's what Adelina replied when i asked why i didn't get paid....

"Unfortunately last night was a trial shift, and you were shadowing the scheduled busser and therefore will not be paid. That was mentioned to you prior to coming in, therefore I apologize for any misunderstandings on your part"

To which i replied...

"Last night cost me $50 you idiot. At no point was the word 'trial' used. This is not a 'misunderstanding on my part."

So fuck you bitch, i hope they deport you back to the Ukraine where you can try and sell your banged up face for money but the only blokes who are going to be interested are the Ukranians who were holidaying in Chernobyl on the 26th of April in 1986.

0 Stars.

NB: For those intrigued by the star system, here's a quick breakdown...

5 Stars - Legend
4 Stars - Champ
3 Stars - Cool
2 Stars - Okay
1 Star - C*nt
0 Stars - Fucking C*nt




Monday, July 11, 2011

People I've met in Toronto - Mitchell

A day in the park throwing a frisbee around while drinking a beer is something special. Some Q-tip on the iPod speakers adds that extra funk to an event which should be yours - yet all of a sudden it becomes...everyone's. A day well spent getting some well needed sun can quickly devolve into a mission greater than finding drinking water in Sydney Harbour...

His name is Mitchell, approximate age 22, current roommate of my mate called Zev.
He brought his road bike down, drank some beer, and threw a mad frisbee with us at Trinity Bellwood park (google it).

Everything went swimmingly, i thought this guy is the sort of guy you would love to be roomed with - cool, chillin, and with that extra splash of leather wristband on that says - i may be living downtown, but my heart is with the bohemians.

Fast forward 2 hours...

After a long drunken deliberation about whether to indulge ourselves on this particularly warm night in Canada, we decided to do what any park-drunk person would do - get some food and then go and hit up the town.

Little did me and Zev know, this seemingly cool dude would end up killing our night.

How did he kill it, El?

By being a stupid ass Canadian with no ability to interpret the most identifiable signals from both of us.

Please deliberate...

Picture this:

Me and Zev are talking to a group of people, telling them all about Melbourne and how it's the coolest city ever (sorry Gosford, you just missed out). All of a sudden Old Mate literally stand there without identifying himself and scares everyone else off with his inability to:

a) join the conversation
b) bring anything to the conversation
c) stare with dead eyes at the girls in the group

A quick look between me and Zev.
His eyes apologise.
I accept.

Our night is over.

Thanks Mitchell. Now we all look like weirdos.
Best of luck with that creepy smile and Brandon Walsh haircut (google it).

Rating: 2 stars




Sunday, July 10, 2011

People I've met in Toronto - Stan

The venue is Baby Huey's on Ossington in Toronto, the joint i'd djed at the night before. Sitting on the couch, a cherubly(?) asian man busted all up my conversation with my new mexican friend to answer the question we were posing: what was the main song from Trainspotting?

"Born Slippery"

His name was Stan, and he was sitting with his friends called Louie who looked like he should be a standover man in some C grade action film. Stan, approx. 35yrs, had a walking stick because he'd been in a car accident and hadn't worked since.

I told him about when i was a car salesman many years ago, i reversed a brand new Mitsubishi Magna through the wall of my manager's office. I told him how i got a round of applause from all the other salesmen in the office. He thought that was funny.

Stan's lived in Toronto for 17 years.

I knew Stan for 9 minutes.
He limped away but seemed pleased with our interaction.

Stan: 3.5 stars






Monday, August 2, 2010

Bar Vs. Wild feat. Meathead Bogan

Bartender: Just waters for now mate

Customer: Yeah sure thing mate.

(2 waters and 10 mins later)

Bartender: How you going there?

Customer: Ah all good champ ...Was just talking about keys.

Bartender: Excuse me?

Customer: Ya’ know, keys. Like musical keys. Cause I study music at uni and today... Do you know that Limp Bizkit song; ‘Behind Blue eyes?’ (Starts to sing)

Bartender: (cutting off) Yer I know it... but I think that was a cover hey.

Customer: Yeah it was originally done by ‘The Who’.

Bartender: Sure

Customer: Well, it’s supposed to be played in like D key, but today I was mucking around and ended up playing it in C key... that was pretty tricky.

Bartender: Yer sweet dude.

(awkward pause)

S.B.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Bar vs Wild


I hereby celebrate my return to the blogging dimension with the creation of a new editorial;

"Bar vs. Wild."

The central theme of this thread purports the wild world outside as a vacuous entity, filled with moronic ape like imposters whom do not possess basic social skills nor can they grasp simple concepts of manners or courtesy.

Stay tuned for weekly updates from all sides of the equation. Those of DJ, Bussy and Bartender, as they sift through this gigantic influx of weekly occurances, to bring to you the very finest examples of customer's social retardation and developmental regression.

Salts Badge

Monday, May 31, 2010

Cheers!

Thanks to everyone who made it down to the Golden Gate last night! It was a blast. I'm in pain now! Thanks. More info/stories soon!

Saturday, May 29, 2010


Ahhh yes. These blog dwelling nasties will be dealt with swiftly, with the iron fist of the badger, the razor jaws of the sharkface and the soggy meat juice of the T-bone.
Meanwhile, here is a picture of me sun baking on a beach on the island of Madagascar. I was pursuing a rogue dewgong who was refusing to pay his aquatic taxes, when i stopped for some press shots. Let us hope it will make the cover of Seafarers monthly, or better yet... badgers uncensored.